The current guidance for Sex and Relationship Education (https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/908013/Relationships_Education__Relationships_and_Sex_Education__RSE__and_Health_Education.pdf) at secondary school level requires that schools provide education on the different types of relationships (families, online, caring) and sexual relationships in particular. Schools must define a ‘safe’ relationship, and educate students about what an unhealthy relationship looks like. However, the current guidance includes no mention of education in basic communication and conflict resolution skills.
It would be such a simple thing to introduce a small element of communication and conflict skills training into the school curriculum for teenagers, to equip them to communicate more constructively in relationships, and this is the basis of my proposal. I am suggesting that basic training in these skills be added to the curriculum. It would only need to be very basic – the skills needed to equip people to ‘fight fair’ are very simple. Examples include:
• when arguing, only talk about the specific issue in hand.; don’t use phrases like “you never” or “you always”; focus on the present and be specific;
• use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, to minimise the impression of blame;
• be aware of your own feelings;
• hear what someone is really saying and pay attention to the feelings being expressed;
• communicate your needs clearly.
These are skills that could be understood and adopted by teenagers and older children, and that would stand them in good stead for life; not just in terms of having more healthy relationships, but also in managing any day-to-day conflict in all aspects of life.
Training in these skills could be easily added to the existing Sex and Relationships curriculum. It would not require delivery by an expert, but could be easily taught by a teacher. It would not require a great deal of additional time. I would envisage that the training materials could perhaps be developed by an organisation such as Relate UK in consultation with the Department for Education and teachers.
My thinking around this proposal, which responds to the challenge of relationship breakdown highlighted by the pandemic, was triggered in part by a documentary I saw on Channel 4 about love during lockdown which featured a couple who had divorced after suffering a miscarriage. They decided to move back in together during lockdown for the sake of their young son, and living together again forced them to really talk about what had happened and how they had felt. They realised that after the miscarriage they had misunderstood and made wrong assumptions about what the other was thinking and feeling due to not communicating, which had led to their separation. After spending the months of lockdown together and really talking constructively about what had happened for the first time, their perspectives changed, and they resumed their relationship and decided to remarry. On that occasion, the catalyst was simply being forced to communicate that helped their relationship, and it reinforced to me how transformative basic skills in communication can be, and started me thinking about the idea for this proposal.
I am not putting forward a detailed, fully-formed proposal, as I am not an expert in this area. What I am putting forward is the principle of a need to teach young people basic communication and conflict resolution skills, which I believe would in the long-term be of great benefit, not just to individuals but to society, and a change that might be brought about at comparatively low cost.
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